Man, my life is going through some ups and downs lately. Yesterday, I was having a great day and feeling really positive and happy. Then, as I was waiting in my car to pick Avery up from school, I was reading one of Deepak Chopra's books on healing. He started describing a man who had melanoma. His decription of melanoma and the prognosis for melanoma patients, even when treated to the maximum, was very grim and scary. In reading this, my heart started to race, my palms sweat, my stomach knot, etc... It brought all the fear that I experienced two months ago back to the forefront for me. I reminded myself that I am HEALED... they removed the cancer... my treatment is making sure it doesn't come back. I reminded myself of my confidence in my body and that my intuition tells me they got it all and it won't return. I will live a long and happy life! It really set me back, though, and I'm working my way through it.
Radiation is kicking my ass this week. 5 weeks of daily radiation... I guess it makes sense to be experiencing the side effects! I have the bad sunburn they told me I would get with small, itchy blisters and swelling. I am also very fatigued... I was happy to rest for about an hour and a half today when both kids were at school.
I saw my PT today and we both agreed that we need to take a break until my skin and tissue have some time to heal. We'll resume when radiation is over (next Tuesday!!!). The good news is that, even though I didn't see her for over a week, my range of motion has greatly improved. Get this, I'm in the NORMAL range!!! :) I still have a ways to go... a lot of tightness and pain. But, I'm just appreciating how far I've come and I'm hopeful to make a full recovery!
I realized today that I'm also having some transition anxiety. Even though I'm SO happy to be almost done with radiation, I'm scared to start the interferon. But, on the other hand, I'm glad for the change of pace... new clinic, new people, etc... to break up the daily monotony! The interferon appts. will be longer than radiation. The "chemo clinic" is busy, too... lots of people getting their various forms of cancer treatment. And, of course, I worry about how my body will handle the interferon. I'm hoping popping a few tyelenol will do the trick! ;)
And, then there is the biggest fear... (and it takes a lot for me to say/write this) What if all of this doesn't work and the cancer returns!!! I do everything in my power to NOT GO THERE and focus on the present moment... the one where my body is strong... a healthy body free of cancer and disease! I'm choosing to plant healthy seeds, not toxic ones. But, the mind sure is a powerful thing!!
This week, my focus is going to be on getting lots of rest and taking care of my body. And, continuing to focus all my energy on things that are positive, loving, and healing!
Kim
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You are human.
ReplyDeleteI've never met anyone as strong as you've been during this Kim--allow yourself to feel fearful. It doesn't mean that you're weak or negative, it just means you're human.
You're always in my thoughts. Love you!