Moving along...

One thing that has bothered me about my blog is the lack of depth... I've shared the logistics, the treatment regimens, what my doctors have told me, etc... But, there is so much under the surface stuff that I have not shared. Probably for a good reason... it's difficult to put it into words!

Through this process, many people have commented to me about my "strength" and positive attitude. Many people have admitted that they don't think they could handle the situation if they were in my shoes.... and some have admitted to wishing for a similar "wake up call" (without the cancer part, of course!). Of course, I told them that we all have innate strength and wisdom! At my very core, I believe that a positive attitude and love heals the body. I believe negativity and depression hurts the body. The choice to incorporate all that is positive, loving, and healing is such an obvious choice on so many levels! I also believe that living my life in this way helps pave the way for all the blessings that pour into my life.

One part of my personal "medicine" is smiling at everyone I see when I am at UW Hospital (and elsewhere!). Sharing this love and light helps heal my soul and my body... and I believe it heals others, too. I believe that people have a very deep craving to feel connected with others, but for some reason, they don't do anything about it. We all have something to share... wisdom, life experiences, love, or just a smile! (Imagine if everyone you walked by smiled at you!) The other day, I walked by a woman who was morbidly obese and in a wheelchair. I looked right into her eyes and smiled at her. She looked at me with a look of obvious suprise and gave me a beautiful smile back. And, of course, I chat with everyone. I've found that having a warm, caring, and positive attitude is contagious. I have many nice conversations with people each day I go in for my treatment. I had a therapist say to me yesterday, "Don't you feel scared about what is going to happen next?" (!?!) I was more than puzzled by this statement and asked her to clarify. She said something to the effect of, "I don't know, I guess if I had cancer and was going through the treatments, I would always be worried about what was going to happen next with my treatments (side effects), worrying about my next treatment, or if the cancer would come back." I looked at her and said, "I don't worry about those things at all. I trust my body and I know that I am already healed from the cancer. I'm just making sure it doesn't come back." I left kind of shocked that she, the medical professional who is adminstering the radiation treatment, had this kind of attitude and that she was so honest with me. I think she sensed that I didn't feel that way and wanted to know my "trick".

It turns out that I have a very strong connection with my physical therapist. We have a great partnership. I saw her today and, for some reason, I was just in a different state of mind when I got there today. As she was massaging the adhesions and tissue, I could feel the tears coming and I started to cry. She stopped and said, "It's O.K. to cry." She knew that I wasn't crying from the pain (although I think the pain gave me an outlet to release my emotions) and she gave me a safe place to release that emotional pain. She opened up to me that she lost her husband and soulmate when she was 31 years old. She believed very strongly in releasing that emotion and invited me to feel comfortable doing it with her any time I needed to. She is also giving me an outlet to feel in control. With physical therapy, I am able to see and feel the positive results. The pain is excruitating, but it reminds me of my strength to get through anything. Keeping a positive attitude and mustering up all my strength through this ordeal, doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes feel overwhelming and frustrating and tiring.

I hope to be able to find the time to share my story as much as possible. It's been difficult lately.... both kids have been sick and I have been so tired. I'm hoping to get some rest today while the kids are at school. Sharing with you through this blog is therapeutic for me, so I hope to do it more often.

Much love,
Kim